depression-tsanai-Jamaica-Jik-Reuben-photography

Lessons in self-love and detachment

depression-tsanai-Jamaica-Jik-Reuben-photography

A picture of me reflecting my ongoing battle with depression. In this image I’m wearing ‘war paint’ make-up – something I often do to shift my mood during low periods. The image was captured by Jik-Reuben.

Author’s note:

Greetings readers! I’m coming out the block right away with a declaration that this post is more of an open letter to myself (and anyone else who needs encouragement) about my experiences in the first half of 2015 and the lessons I’ve taken from them. Hopefully it can inspire someone, or at the very least, let them know they are not alone in the battle to rise above life’s struggles. Keep going, your story isn’t over yet. —Tami

It is now July 13, and I’ve already had my heart broken four times this year. On January 1, I closed the door on years of friendship that was no longer a positive influence in my life. It hurt like a bitch, especially the realisation that no matter how long you’ve known someone, how hard you ride for them or how much you hold them in high esteem, the truth is that you won’t always hold the same position in their lives as they do in yours. This might not be said, but they will always show you… pay attention – a theme that continued into the following week, when January 10 found me blindsided by the demise of my relationship.

Two weeks later I got news that my friend Kelli was hanging by a thread, then on February 4th, she died. I made sure to deal with the situations as they each popped up but it certainly was not easy to do, and as you may have already figured out, there are still hovering effects, some of which will remain for quite some time. That too was a recurring theme which later surfaced at the end of that month when I got fired. Suffice it to say that since then, the challenges just keep rolling in. Thankfully, none have been as jarring, not even getting robbed at knife point a few weeks ago.

As chaotic as my life and movements may seem to the curious onlooker (apparently there are quite a few), I am actually very organised. I like to know things, have plans, put everything together and often have 10,000 back-up plans for the original back-up plan, but I do know that change is one of life’s constants and as disconcerting as it is for me, I am slowly learning how to detach.

At this juncture I can safely say that I haven’t the slightest idea if the path I’m on is the right one, but fuck it, adulting is hard. I don’t have a ‘steady job’ and have decided not to have another one, but to instead pour every inch of myself into building two fledgling, socially responsible businesses from the ground up — Touch The Road Jamaica, in which I’m a partner, and my own progeny, Tsansai Group, which will be officially launched by year-end.

I’m as single as they come. No exes still in the picture, no booty call brother in my phone log, no ‘potentials’ lined up, no prospects being considered. Despite the many questions about what I’m waiting on to procreate, I have no intention of even considering that move for another 1.5-2 years and will not be churning out babies just for the sake of having one (my apologies in advance to all the people who think my eggs are rapidly decaying). My Students’ Loan debt continues to fester for lack of funds to clear it and I can barely afford to live a normal adult life, let alone have a decent time going out, travelling or even buying something to treat myself with because my bank account probably by now contains tumbleweed and my purse and pockets are full of lint. There are a crapload of things I wanted to achieve by now (I’m turning 29 in September) and as far as I am from my school-leaving years, I’m still nowhere close to it. Plus there are several background constants that are far from pleasant in the kaleidoscope that is my life.

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War paint: Tsansai Makeup

Surprisingly, regardless of how frustrated I am with my current situation, the gravity of this realisation is no longer something that sends me into a state of depression and that in itself is what keeps me going. I’ve learned how to really take things one day at a time and focus on making smaller moves, to unplug the big picture/vision board display because it’s not serving me in the way that it serves others. I am way too anxious for it. I’ve learned that I’d much rather glance at my objectives for the future and make steps in my daily life to take care of me so I can be around to achieve my goals and be proud of them. Nowadays my priorities are simple… put in the work, get more rest, eat properly, take breaks, and, when it comes to people, learn to let go. The ones who are meant to come into your life and stay there, will. Love yourself first.

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8 thoughts on “Lessons in self-love and detachment

  1. Crcakle says:

    cant wait when for you to look back at this and see your personal, financial, entrepreneurial and spiritual growth 🙂 im proud of you and rooting for you as well..#teamtami HOORAH!!!!

    Like

  2. Janice Casserly says:

    This is a good read and well written. Can identify! It is helpful to young women (and men) to know that you are “battling” on with life and that the setbacks are not actually “setting you back” because you keep going and keep making progress. Well done.

    Like

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