Author’s note: Greetings all. I recently announced that Fridays will henceforth be dedicated to interviews and features, however, I need to switch that up and return to regular scheduled programming next week. Be cautioned, however, that today’s post is more like a reflective stream of thoughts that happens to be a tribute to the life of my just-deceased friend. It is pretty much me bleeding and ranting on paper, albeit virtually, in an attempt to make sense of my feelings and the experience of knowing him in the grand scheme of things – it is therefore as lengthy as it is poignant. My apologies.
Saturday, April 12, 2014 – the backstory
Skeptical though I was in the months leading up to our energetic convergence, I managed to open my mind enough to go. I had already declined several invitations and referral meetings and was in fact quite cynical about meeting some random enlightened and erudite geezer everyone referred to as ‘The Guru’… according to the picture I had in my head at least, luckily, it was not so. It was a very dark time for me – something that had unfortunately over the years become more familiar than distant, so rather than the occasional tête-à-tête with depression, I had more bouts of dealing with it – being emotionally crippled and physically drained – than actually living my life and loving it. I was angry and sad mostly, and when I wasn’t, I lived in a fog that was thick enough to shroud me, allowing me to stay far removed from everything else but not too thick to allow everyone around me to see and interact with the pseudo-self I presented without suspecting much of anything.
I was torn about many things and it felt like I was leaking in my spirit, but I was too vacant to stop the bleeding. Seeing, feeling, knowing and examining the gaping wound but being unable to cauterise it, I was okay with just letting it run. There wasn’t much outside of that. Autopilot days in work mode, being fake pleasant and functional, doing a job I loved doing in a place that I loathed being in… it drained my energy. All this woven into a level of stress so deep, it drove me near psychosis, near death and near the complete loss of my essence. Sure, there were moments when I caught a glimpse of my old self, smiling, and could almost touch her, but I was never able. In my head, I had neither time nor desire to share this willingly with anyone. In my heart, I knew I had to do it, so I did. Continue reading